1 00:00:02,638 --> 00:00:05,391 2 00:00:06,038 --> 00:00:08,871 3 00:00:09,438 --> 00:00:12,396 4 00:00:13,038 --> 00:00:15,916 5 00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:20,267 6 00:00:20,598 --> 00:00:23,829 7 00:00:24,078 --> 00:00:27,593 8 00:00:27,878 --> 00:00:30,517 9 00:00:33,438 --> 00:00:35,156 MAN: (OVER RADIO) So on line 2 we have Patrick. 10 00:00:35,238 --> 00:00:38,514 Good evening to you, Patrick. And what's your question for Mimsy Berkowitz? 11 00:00:38,798 --> 00:00:41,187 PATRICK: Well, it's a bit of a tricky one but, um, 12 00:00:41,278 --> 00:00:44,509 put simply, my wife and I live next door to a madman. 13 00:00:44,598 --> 00:00:48,193 If I tell you a few weeks ago he put a specially trained crab up my shorts 14 00:00:48,278 --> 00:00:49,916 when I was asleep in the garden, 15 00:00:49,998 --> 00:00:53,468 and that I had to be rushed to hospital with it hanging between my legs, 16 00:00:53,558 --> 00:00:57,312 like a passenger on a tube train, uh, you'll get some idea of the problem. 17 00:00:57,398 --> 00:01:01,311 What's tricky is that they've invited us round to their house tomorrow for a meal, 18 00:01:01,398 --> 00:01:02,797 to try and patch things up. 19 00:01:02,878 --> 00:01:04,834 I just wonder if we should risk it? 20 00:01:06,158 --> 00:01:10,436 MIMSY: It does sound a delicate one, this. But I think on balance, I would... 21 00:01:10,998 --> 00:01:13,353 Is something wrong with this phone? 22 00:01:13,438 --> 00:01:17,511 Oh, sorry, yes! It only takes incoming calls at the moment 23 00:01:17,598 --> 00:01:19,634 They were supposed to have fixed it 24 00:01:21,598 --> 00:01:26,069 Is everything all right, Jean? You've been really fidgety all night 25 00:01:27,278 --> 00:01:30,714 Margaret, do you mind if we go and sit down? 26 00:01:31,038 --> 00:01:32,710 Why, whatever is it? 27 00:01:34,838 --> 00:01:36,476 (LAUGHING) 28 00:01:39,598 --> 00:01:40,951 It's 29 00:01:41,878 --> 00:01:43,550 I think I'm going to be sick 30 00:01:43,638 --> 00:01:45,390 (LAUGHING LOUDLY) 31 00:01:48,558 --> 00:01:51,550 I can hardly bring myself to even talk about it 32 00:01:54,158 --> 00:01:56,877 I think Chris is having an affair 33 00:01:59,958 --> 00:02:01,949 Very good, very good 34 00:02:05,638 --> 00:02:07,310 An affair? Who with? 35 00:02:07,918 --> 00:02:10,796 You know the woman who lives two doors along from us, 36 00:02:10,878 --> 00:02:13,836 lost her husband in that ear-syringing accident? 37 00:02:14,918 --> 00:02:17,830 Well, a couple of weeks ago, 38 00:02:17,918 --> 00:02:21,672 this flew off her washing line and into my garden 39 00:02:22,638 --> 00:02:24,515 You see where all this 40 00:02:24,598 --> 00:02:29,035 The colour's been bleached out of the stripes down here, at the bottom? 41 00:02:29,118 --> 00:02:31,234 -Yes, but what's that got to do -Acne gel 42 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,592 Sorry? 43 00:02:32,678 --> 00:02:35,590 It's what Chris puts on the back of his neck every night 44 00:02:36,878 --> 00:02:40,473 The stripes on his shirt collars are exactly the same 45 00:02:40,918 --> 00:02:44,035 Oh, Jean, you can't be serious 46 00:02:44,158 --> 00:02:47,389 His head's been on this pillow, Margaret I know it has 47 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:55,195 I know you just think I'm being melodramatic and everything, but 48 00:02:55,278 --> 00:02:56,677 Well 49 00:02:56,758 --> 00:02:58,908 Perhaps we'll soon have some proof 50 00:02:59,798 --> 00:03:03,950 I've hired a private detective to follow him about, 51 00:03:04,038 --> 00:03:05,869 see if they go anywhere together 52 00:03:06,438 --> 00:03:09,589 I've got to find out, Margaret, one way or the other 53 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,349 If I did find out he'd been 54 00:03:13,398 --> 00:03:15,229 Oh, I don't know what I'd do 55 00:03:15,998 --> 00:03:19,274 I think I I just might kill myself 56 00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:21,195 (GUFFAWING) 57 00:03:23,198 --> 00:03:25,951 Spam, spam, baked beans and spam 58 00:03:26,038 --> 00:03:29,075 That's very funny, very funny 59 00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:35,677 I know, Jean But you can't just 60 00:03:36,958 --> 00:03:38,186 Well 61 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:44,475 Why don't you phone the conference hotel and put your mind at rest? 62 00:03:49,278 --> 00:03:52,668 Well, I suppose we could meet up for some lunch 63 00:03:53,478 --> 00:03:56,515 But I've got a bit of a hectic day tomorrow 64 00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:00,152 Well, Patrick and Pippa are coming in the evening 65 00:04:00,598 --> 00:04:04,750 And Victor's got his conjurer's group meeting here at half past 66 00:04:05,638 --> 00:04:08,198 Oh, God knows, Jean 67 00:04:08,758 --> 00:04:13,957 They all go round each other's houses once a week and fish a hanky out of a hat 68 00:04:14,638 --> 00:04:17,357 A cross between The Magic Circle and Dad's Army. 69 00:04:18,838 --> 00:04:21,147 Yes, yes, all right, I will 70 00:04:21,278 --> 00:04:25,271 And do try to stop fretting Yes Okay, bye 71 00:04:26,798 --> 00:04:28,311 Are you coming to bed tonight or what? 72 00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:30,389 Remember you've got a job to go to tomorrow morning 73 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:33,231 I'll be up in time for work I just want to test this out for tomorrow, 74 00:04:33,318 --> 00:04:35,149 make sure it's in working order 75 00:04:35,678 --> 00:04:37,555 Utterly pathetic 76 00:04:39,318 --> 00:04:40,433 Oh! 77 00:04:40,518 --> 00:04:45,797 I trust that one with the gammy elbow isn't going to start sawing himself in half again this time? 78 00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:49,713 Mr Henstridge? I'm not sure if he's coming He had a bit of a heart scare last week 79 00:04:49,798 --> 00:04:51,834 I thought we'd never get the stains out 80 00:04:51,918 --> 00:04:54,637 It's a good job we've got a red carpet is all I can say 81 00:04:54,718 --> 00:04:56,037 (POPPING) 82 00:04:57,438 --> 00:05:00,111 What happened there? That's not supposed to do that 83 00:05:01,998 --> 00:05:04,114 (FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING) 84 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,993 I don't believe it! 85 00:05:07,478 --> 00:05:10,709 You can go down this time, I've had enough for one day 86 00:05:18,238 --> 00:05:19,956 -FIRE OFFICER: Exploded chip pan? -What? 87 00:05:20,038 --> 00:05:22,871 Excuse me, sir Can we get through, please? Come on, lads 88 00:05:22,958 --> 00:05:24,277 -Look! -Straight through 89 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,667 I did not call the sodding fire brigade 90 00:05:26,758 --> 00:05:30,307 My house is not on fire, will you please go away! 91 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,797 Oh, isn't it? 92 00:05:32,358 --> 00:05:34,189 Sorry, lads, as you were 93 00:05:35,358 --> 00:05:39,556 This is the third time this week your lot have been round I'm getting pretty bloody sick of it 94 00:05:39,638 --> 00:05:43,995 Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sir, but as you'll appreciate, we've got to take every call seriously 95 00:05:44,078 --> 00:05:47,593 Now then, you've no idea who these pranksters are that keep ringing us up? 96 00:05:47,678 --> 00:05:48,713 No! 97 00:05:48,798 --> 00:05:52,268 Presumably it's somebody I've annoyed in the past who's trying to get their own back 98 00:05:52,358 --> 00:05:55,316 MARGARET: We've drawn up a shortlist of 5,000 names! 99 00:05:57,278 --> 00:06:02,227 Yeah, right Well, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, sir Good night to you 100 00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:03,956 Good night! 101 00:06:08,398 --> 00:06:09,626 Bastards 102 00:06:27,478 --> 00:06:30,948 Morning, Mr Meldrew Keeping your bowels open? 103 00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:33,633 Sorry? 104 00:06:34,278 --> 00:06:36,508 Didn't see you there Sugar Frosties actually 105 00:06:36,598 --> 00:06:40,113 Yes, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a laxative in a job like that 106 00:06:40,198 --> 00:06:43,634 Busy old road, isn't it? How are you settling now, all right? 107 00:06:43,998 --> 00:06:47,388 Very well thank you Picked it up straight away, no problems of any kind 108 00:06:47,478 --> 00:06:49,867 Oh, good, good, that's nice, yes 109 00:06:49,958 --> 00:06:53,075 No one's said anything to you about Psycho Sam as yet, then? 110 00:06:53,958 --> 00:06:56,836 -(STUTTERING) Psycho Sam? -No, no, no, that's fine if they haven't 111 00:06:56,918 --> 00:06:59,796 There's no point in making you a bag of nerves before you start 112 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,550 That's just what you don't want 113 00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:05,677 In any case, I'm not sure he hasn't had his heavy goods licence withdrawn 114 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:08,750 After what happened last Friday afternoon with your predecessor 115 00:07:08,838 --> 00:07:12,513 Last Fri What happened last Friday afternoon? What about my predecessor? 116 00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:17,069 Oh, yes, it's a shame about old Bertie Nice old chap as well, yeah Very popular with the children 117 00:07:17,158 --> 00:07:19,991 Shame about old Bertie? Who's Bertie? What are you talking about? 118 00:07:20,118 --> 00:07:24,475 Anyway, I better scoot I've got to pop Auntie Ciss down the rodent control at 9:00 119 00:07:24,558 --> 00:07:26,674 So see you about, I expect, 120 00:07:26,758 --> 00:07:30,546 and don't go worrying about articulated lorries, you'll be absolutely fine 121 00:07:30,638 --> 00:07:31,673 Articulated 122 00:07:31,758 --> 00:07:33,157 (FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING) 123 00:07:33,238 --> 00:07:35,388 Oh, a bit of a to-do out here by the looks of things 124 00:07:35,478 --> 00:07:38,038 Well, bye-bye to you then, Mr Meldrew 125 00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:44,715 You got a lollipop man in here stuck inside a smoke-filled urinal? 126 00:07:49,638 --> 00:07:51,310 Oh, shit! 127 00:08:00,398 --> 00:08:03,515 I've got to dash I've put some coffee out if you want to help yourself 128 00:08:03,598 --> 00:08:06,749 -Your money's on the kitchen table -Champion Thanks very much 129 00:08:06,838 --> 00:08:08,271 Oh, you're off early 130 00:08:08,358 --> 00:08:11,031 Well, Meg's gone sick and I've got to do a couple of hours at the shop 131 00:08:11,118 --> 00:08:13,029 And then I'm seeing Jean for lunch 132 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:15,473 I haven't had a minute to think about food for tonight 133 00:08:15,558 --> 00:08:17,708 Well, that's all right, I do them one of my specials 134 00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:21,347 Oh, are you sure? I think there's some mince in the fridge 135 00:08:21,478 --> 00:08:23,833 -I'll see you later! -Yes, bye! 136 00:08:29,438 --> 00:08:32,987 Ah, here we are What did I tell you, my horoscope for the day 137 00:08:33,078 --> 00:08:37,230 ''Do not under any circumstances go round for a meal tonight at Victor Meldrew's 138 00:08:37,318 --> 00:08:39,878 ''unless accompanied by a trained exorcist'' 139 00:08:41,238 --> 00:08:44,674 I would ring up and cancel but I suppose it's a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really? 140 00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:47,511 Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight 141 00:08:48,118 --> 00:08:51,997 I wonder what bizarre aquatic species I can expect in the groin this time 142 00:08:53,478 --> 00:08:55,389 Stingray up the rectum? 143 00:08:56,358 --> 00:09:00,192 Perhaps I'll just get off lightly with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin 144 00:09:03,038 --> 00:09:06,269 Can you see an old dirty floor-cloth by the door? 145 00:09:06,798 --> 00:09:08,277 Um, yup 146 00:09:08,358 --> 00:09:11,828 Well, would you mind shoving it in your bloody mouth! 147 00:09:16,238 --> 00:09:18,911 Oh, very good, very good 148 00:09:22,638 --> 00:09:25,630 Mmm, I think this is going to be one of my good ones 149 00:09:27,718 --> 00:09:30,186 Now the magic formula 150 00:09:31,558 --> 00:09:34,311 Two ''tsps'' of chilli powder 151 00:09:35,518 --> 00:09:37,554 in a cup of water 152 00:09:41,398 --> 00:09:44,913 And one half ''tsp'' of cumin 153 00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:52,595 (DOORBELL RINGING) 154 00:09:58,438 --> 00:10:00,315 Harold, are you well? Come on in 155 00:10:00,398 --> 00:10:02,309 Good morning, Arthur, go and sit yourselves down 156 00:10:02,398 --> 00:10:05,868 I've just got to finish off a bit of cooking for tonight and I'll be right with you 157 00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,596 Oh, you need a hand with that 158 00:10:39,638 --> 00:10:41,151 I mean, what is it? 159 00:10:41,238 --> 00:10:45,709 Do you get some kind of sick, perverted pleasure out of rowing with our neighbours? 160 00:10:46,838 --> 00:10:47,907 Yes 161 00:10:48,558 --> 00:10:51,595 Anyone would think we were living in a Dennis Wheatley novel or something, 162 00:10:51,678 --> 00:10:53,430 the way you carry on 163 00:10:53,518 --> 00:10:59,036 They're just a normal couple like you and me, trying to lead normal everyday lives 164 00:10:59,118 --> 00:11:01,109 (MAN SCREAMING) 165 00:11:40,278 --> 00:11:43,315 I suppose we could try wearing crucifixes 166 00:12:15,758 --> 00:12:19,637 Hello? Um, ambulance, as quick as you can, please 167 00:12:21,598 --> 00:12:23,111 British Telecom 168 00:12:23,598 --> 00:12:26,066 Never repair your phones Come on 169 00:12:26,678 --> 00:12:28,475 MARGARET: Victor! 170 00:12:28,558 --> 00:12:30,992 Who are you ringing? What's happened? 171 00:12:31,078 --> 00:12:33,956 It's old Mr Henstridge, we think he may have had a heart attack 172 00:12:34,038 --> 00:12:37,474 Right in the middle of one of his tricks, he just suddenly Hello? 173 00:12:55,798 --> 00:12:58,028 MARGARET: Leave it, leave it 174 00:12:58,118 --> 00:13:01,793 Everybody, just please leave it, we'll deal with it 175 00:13:01,878 --> 00:13:05,393 Just, everybody, please go! 176 00:13:07,598 --> 00:13:09,429 It's Mr Henstridge 177 00:13:09,838 --> 00:13:12,227 -We think it might be his heart -Yes, we know all about it 178 00:13:12,318 --> 00:13:16,709 And we'll deal with it If you'll just go Why don't you just leave it and come back for that later? 179 00:13:16,798 --> 00:13:19,266 Come on, out you Out you go! 180 00:13:19,358 --> 00:13:21,349 That's it, goodbye! 181 00:13:22,838 --> 00:13:26,547 Uh, how is he How is he, Jean? Is there anything there? 182 00:13:27,078 --> 00:13:30,593 I can definitely feel a slight flutter here somewhere 183 00:13:56,518 --> 00:13:59,237 Oh, my God, Jean! 184 00:14:00,118 --> 00:14:01,710 Help me get his head back 185 00:14:02,518 --> 00:14:03,633 That's it 186 00:14:04,718 --> 00:14:05,992 Now then 187 00:14:18,678 --> 00:14:20,748 Wait a minute Just a second, dear 188 00:14:29,198 --> 00:14:31,189 How many has he got in here? 189 00:14:32,518 --> 00:14:33,951 Bloody things! 190 00:14:36,198 --> 00:14:39,429 -I think he's starting to respond, Margaret -Oh! 191 00:14:39,518 --> 00:14:42,237 Perhaps we should get him outside into some fresh air 192 00:14:42,318 --> 00:14:44,627 Okay Mr Henstridge, can you get up? 193 00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:45,912 -That's it -Good 194 00:14:45,998 --> 00:14:48,034 -That's it Here we go -Right 195 00:14:48,118 --> 00:14:49,346 Upsy-daisy 196 00:14:49,438 --> 00:14:51,713 MRS WARBOYS: Lean on me, that's it 197 00:14:51,798 --> 00:14:53,754 MARGARET: That's it MRS WARBOYS: Yes 198 00:14:54,638 --> 00:14:56,117 -That's it -Yes 199 00:14:56,598 --> 00:14:58,156 Good fellow 200 00:15:02,278 --> 00:15:03,996 (TOILET FLUSHING) 201 00:15:04,078 --> 00:15:05,591 (GROANING) 202 00:15:08,838 --> 00:15:10,669 Oh, no! 203 00:15:17,398 --> 00:15:19,548 His pulse doesn't seem too bad now 204 00:15:19,638 --> 00:15:22,198 Ambulances can take an eternity up here 205 00:15:22,478 --> 00:15:24,514 Maybe we should get him to the hospital ourselves 206 00:15:24,598 --> 00:15:27,715 Morning, Mrs Meldrew Anything I can do to help at all? 207 00:15:31,238 --> 00:15:35,516 What's happened? Is he dead? I feel just about ready to join him 208 00:15:35,638 --> 00:15:38,027 Ambulance said it'd be a good 20 minutes yet 209 00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:42,314 Would you keep that door closed! 210 00:15:43,638 --> 00:15:45,594 It's all under control 211 00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:48,829 We've managed to get him out of there And he seems to be all right 212 00:15:48,918 --> 00:15:52,831 Mr Swainey very kindly said he'd run him up to hospital just to be on the safe side 213 00:15:52,918 --> 00:15:55,512 You're going to be late for your next shift if you don't look lively 214 00:15:55,598 --> 00:15:59,068 Look, just go Jean and I will tidy up the mess 215 00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:01,956 Are you sure? Well, look, I'll speak to you later 216 00:16:02,118 --> 00:16:03,710 And 217 00:16:04,558 --> 00:16:06,310 I'm sorry about all this 218 00:16:08,158 --> 00:16:09,830 Right 219 00:16:11,198 --> 00:16:12,597 You ready? 220 00:16:13,718 --> 00:16:15,037 Right! 221 00:17:14,758 --> 00:17:16,669 (CAR HORN HONKING) 222 00:17:19,358 --> 00:17:23,431 Afternoon, Mr Meldrew You're still in one piece, then? 223 00:17:24,078 --> 00:17:25,591 Evidently 224 00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:29,557 Oh, by the way, your old gentleman Mr Henstridge was fine in the end 225 00:17:29,678 --> 00:17:31,669 They gave him a thorough going-over in casualty 226 00:17:31,758 --> 00:17:34,272 and I'm just trying to get him home now in time for tea 227 00:17:34,358 --> 00:17:37,634 What But This isn't Mr Henstridge 228 00:17:38,078 --> 00:17:39,989 This is Mr Matthews 229 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,236 He hasn't got a weak heart 230 00:17:42,318 --> 00:17:44,957 This is the chap your wife asked me to take down to the hospital 231 00:17:45,038 --> 00:17:47,108 Asked you to take down 232 00:17:47,198 --> 00:17:50,554 Well, where's Mr Henstridge, then? When I left him, he 233 00:17:52,718 --> 00:17:55,710 Oh, I don't believe it 234 00:17:56,518 --> 00:18:00,955 -You don't mean he's still inside the trunk! -What? 235 00:18:02,518 --> 00:18:05,078 Did nobody explain there what happened? 236 00:18:05,158 --> 00:18:09,549 He asked us to chain him up inside, said he'd escape in 30 seconds flat 237 00:18:09,638 --> 00:18:13,836 After 1 0 minutes it all went quiet, then Mr Gridley found he'd lost the key 238 00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:17,706 and Mr Matthews here passed out from shock 239 00:18:17,998 --> 00:18:20,432 I told them to keep searching while I went for an ambulance 240 00:18:20,518 --> 00:18:23,157 I mean, surely to goodness someone must have 241 00:18:25,078 --> 00:18:28,150 Oh, my God! 242 00:18:30,358 --> 00:18:34,590 He's been in there now for five bloody hours! 243 00:18:45,838 --> 00:18:50,707 Now, what did she say? This one's mayonnaise 244 00:18:52,158 --> 00:18:56,310 this one's blue cheese, and I think this one's Thousand Island 245 00:18:57,158 --> 00:19:00,548 -So what's this one then? -I think that's an ashtray, isn't it? 246 00:19:02,878 --> 00:19:05,597 Looks suspiciously like pigeon droppings to me 247 00:19:06,918 --> 00:19:09,830 If you're going to keep making disgusting remarks all night, 248 00:19:09,918 --> 00:19:12,273 you're going to get this lot right in your face 249 00:19:12,358 --> 00:19:14,633 Can you see a butter knife at all? 250 00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:17,232 Well, there's bound to be one round here somewhere 251 00:19:21,918 --> 00:19:23,271 Yes, here we are 252 00:19:23,398 --> 00:19:27,789 I wonder what he uses to cut his toenails at night A combine harvester? 253 00:19:32,158 --> 00:19:34,069 You sure you won't join us for the evening? 254 00:19:34,158 --> 00:19:36,467 Victor's made enough chilli here to feed a regiment 255 00:19:36,558 --> 00:19:40,756 Thank you, Margaret, but I think I'd better get home and call you-know-who 256 00:19:41,278 --> 00:19:43,838 See how the investigation's been progressing 257 00:19:43,918 --> 00:19:47,228 Yes, well, Chris comes home tomorrow and then you'll find 258 00:19:47,318 --> 00:19:50,628 you've been worrying yourself over nothing at all, you'll see 259 00:19:50,718 --> 00:19:54,552 Yes Well, bye, Margaret Talk to you soon 260 00:19:54,638 --> 00:19:59,268 -Yes, if you feel like ringing, at any time -Oh, I will, yes! 261 00:20:00,038 --> 00:20:01,471 -Bye-bye -Bye 262 00:20:08,118 --> 00:20:10,507 Right then! Sorry about that 263 00:20:10,598 --> 00:20:12,350 Now, I expect Victor will be a while yet 264 00:20:12,438 --> 00:20:14,872 and I've still got a couple of things to see to in the kitchen, 265 00:20:14,958 --> 00:20:17,108 so you just make yourselves at home 266 00:20:19,478 --> 00:20:22,948 Yes, I'll just settle down and get comfortable sitting on this machete 267 00:20:24,278 --> 00:20:27,987 It's like spending an evening at the Munsters coming round here 268 00:20:28,078 --> 00:20:31,229 You wonder what nameless horror you're gonna come across next 269 00:20:32,558 --> 00:20:33,911 (MAN GROANING) 270 00:20:43,918 --> 00:20:45,670 (GROANING) 271 00:20:50,798 --> 00:20:52,197 (GROANING) 272 00:20:53,558 --> 00:20:56,311 Too grisly for words, surely to God 273 00:20:56,398 --> 00:20:57,956 What is it now? 274 00:20:58,038 --> 00:21:01,075 -Well, listen Listen to this -Let me out! 275 00:21:04,758 --> 00:21:06,430 Yes, very good 276 00:21:07,438 --> 00:21:09,906 You should be on The Paul Daniels Show. 277 00:21:10,638 --> 00:21:13,675 Paul Da That wasn't me, you witless woman 278 00:21:14,478 --> 00:21:17,151 That wasn't an impromptu display of my ventriloquial dexterity, 279 00:21:17,238 --> 00:21:19,832 there's somebody in the bloody trunk Listen 280 00:21:19,958 --> 00:21:21,710 There's a body inside here 281 00:21:22,318 --> 00:21:24,195 What My God! 282 00:21:24,278 --> 00:21:25,711 (METALLIC RATTLING) 283 00:21:25,798 --> 00:21:28,517 I can hear chains rattling inside 284 00:21:29,238 --> 00:21:31,957 In the name of God, what kind of a sadist is he? 285 00:21:33,318 --> 00:21:35,195 MARGARET: Here we are, then 286 00:21:36,198 --> 00:21:39,588 I'm sorry, I forgot to offer you both a drink, didn't I? 287 00:21:39,678 --> 00:21:41,236 Now, what would you like? 288 00:21:41,318 --> 00:21:44,788 I think there's some martini, I'm not sure whether Victor's left any whisky 289 00:21:44,878 --> 00:21:46,675 (PHONE RINGING) 290 00:21:50,758 --> 00:21:52,111 (BEEPING) 291 00:21:52,198 --> 00:21:53,597 VICTOR: Margaret? It's me. 292 00:21:53,678 --> 00:21:57,796 Look, I'm on my way home and I'm on Mr Swainey's car phone so I... 293 00:21:57,878 --> 00:22:00,187 (VOICE CRACKLING ON PHONE) 294 00:22:03,318 --> 00:22:07,277 ...Mr Henstridge is still inside my big trunk in the sitting room, 295 00:22:07,358 --> 00:22:10,475 tied up in a sack with handcuffs on and everything... 296 00:22:10,558 --> 00:22:11,707 (VOICE CRACKLING) 297 00:22:11,798 --> 00:22:14,471 ...out of there for God's sake, as soon as possible, 298 00:22:14,558 --> 00:22:19,154 before that gormless twerp and her husband next door show up, you know what they're like. 299 00:22:19,238 --> 00:22:21,149 I don't know where the key is... 300 00:22:21,638 --> 00:22:24,072 (VOICE CRACKLING) 301 00:22:25,558 --> 00:22:27,674 Oh, bugger this bloody... 302 00:22:28,678 --> 00:22:30,111 (MACHINE BEEPS) 303 00:22:31,238 --> 00:22:33,706 Oh, God above! 304 00:22:40,958 --> 00:22:42,277 No, wait 305 00:22:43,638 --> 00:22:45,913 We need someone who can get this thing open 306 00:22:51,798 --> 00:22:54,266 (GROANING) 307 00:22:57,358 --> 00:23:02,034 WINDOW CLEANER: Oh, my God! What have I done to deserve this? 308 00:23:02,118 --> 00:23:03,597 (SOBBING) 309 00:23:03,678 --> 00:23:06,954 Yes, hello Could you put me through to the fire brigade, please? 310 00:23:10,678 --> 00:23:12,555 Did somebody here call us? 311 00:23:22,278 --> 00:23:25,395 No reply from the Warboys residence, they must be on their way 312 00:23:25,478 --> 00:23:27,355 Oh, I gave Mrs Henstridge a quick ring 313 00:23:27,438 --> 00:23:29,793 Said it'd be a while before his back straightens out 314 00:23:29,878 --> 00:23:32,836 but otherwise he's recovering quite well considering 315 00:23:34,798 --> 00:23:37,471 I don't know whether this was such a good idea 316 00:23:37,558 --> 00:23:40,789 I just thought if we could get the pair of them out for the evening, 317 00:23:40,878 --> 00:23:42,834 it might take her mind off this ridiculous 318 00:23:42,918 --> 00:23:44,431 -Ah! -Oh! 319 00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:49,117 Sorry I'm late 320 00:23:49,198 --> 00:23:52,156 Chris took the wrong turning on the new one-way system 321 00:23:52,238 --> 00:23:55,036 Oh, right So where is he, parking the car? 322 00:23:55,438 --> 00:23:57,633 No No, he won't be joining us 323 00:23:57,718 --> 00:24:01,870 He just gave me a lift here on his way to the office to collect some things 324 00:24:03,918 --> 00:24:06,193 It's all over between us, I'm afraid 325 00:24:07,278 --> 00:24:11,112 We talked it all through and decided it was for the best 326 00:24:12,638 --> 00:24:17,553 And as there didn't seem much point in in prolonging the agony, 327 00:24:17,638 --> 00:24:19,788 he's moving in with her tomorrow morning 328 00:24:24,158 --> 00:24:29,437 So it was true in the end? That woman next door but one? 329 00:24:30,038 --> 00:24:33,155 Oh, what? Oh, no, no, no 330 00:24:33,678 --> 00:24:37,876 Of course it wasn't That was me just barking up the wrong tree as usual 331 00:24:37,998 --> 00:24:40,307 Well, who's he moving in with? 332 00:24:41,838 --> 00:24:44,352 That's the worst part of it all, I'm afraid 333 00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:48,476 The private detective 334 00:24:52,878 --> 00:24:54,106 The private 335 00:24:54,198 --> 00:24:58,988 Apparently he spotted her after the first couple of days, following him around 336 00:24:59,558 --> 00:25:01,276 They got chatting 337 00:25:01,358 --> 00:25:04,907 He said it was silly of them to keep taking two cars everywhere 338 00:25:04,998 --> 00:25:07,307 when they could both go in his 339 00:25:08,638 --> 00:25:12,677 Seems they just hit it off together straight away 340 00:25:14,918 --> 00:25:19,912 Everything's gone just as wrong as it could have really 341 00:25:22,318 --> 00:25:24,468 Yes, it generally does 342 00:25:25,518 --> 00:25:27,668 One thing you can be sure about in life, 343 00:25:27,758 --> 00:25:31,194 just when you think that things are never ever going to get better, 344 00:25:31,278 --> 00:25:33,314 they suddenly get worse 345 00:25:37,918 --> 00:25:39,112 Yes 346 00:25:40,558 --> 00:25:44,107 Although, right now, it's hard to imagine how 347 00:25:45,478 --> 00:25:47,196 (POPPING) 348 00:25:54,158 --> 00:25:56,626 All right, everybody, no need to panic! 349 00:25:56,798 --> 00:25:58,709 This is just a precaution 350 00:25:58,798 --> 00:26:01,756 Somebody upstairs has set fire to a tablecloth with his candle 351 00:26:01,838 --> 00:26:05,547 If you'd all like to exit through that door, we'll have it under control soon! 352 00:26:14,438 --> 00:26:17,271 353 00:26:17,918 --> 00:26:20,751 354 00:26:21,158 --> 00:26:24,230 355 00:26:24,798 --> 00:26:27,835 356 00:26:28,278 --> 00:26:31,236 357 00:26:31,838 --> 00:26:34,636 358 00:26:35,238 --> 00:26:38,036 359 00:26:38,798 --> 00:26:41,551 360 00:26:42,078 --> 00:26:45,866 361 00:26:46,318 --> 00:26:49,390 362 00:26:49,598 --> 00:26:53,307 and I can still misbehave 363 00:26:53,638 --> 00:26:55,708 364 00:26:56,998 --> 00:26:59,228 365 00:27:00,518 --> 00:27:02,668 366 00:27:02,718 --> 00:27:07,268 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0